In the Wardrobe, et al
by incurelf
Summary: Basically scenes from HDM that I messed around with. The first is when Lyra is in the wardrobe, etc. CHAPTER 5 UPLOADED....Lee's in it...
1. In the Wardrobe

I was very disappointed earlier to find that there are only TWO (this is #3) parodies on HDM so I wrote this. It sucks and makes absolutely no sense but I would appreciate your comments anyway. Enjoy.  
  
This is not going to be the first chapter of a story.just a scene that I, uh.played around with a bit..  
  
Disclaimer: MUST I go through this again?  
  
Random voice inside my head: Yeah. Fine. I own not HDM! Nor LOTR, nor HP. All the credit goes to JRR Tolkien, Philip Pullman, & JK Rowling.  
  
I wrote this in French, & French is uh, coboringugh, never mind.  
  
A Special Thanks to: My French teacher for being so oblivious to the fact that I was sitting in the front right under her nose, writing.  
  
NO Thanks to: My French partner who is convinced I am writing plays.  
  
Scene: Lyra in the wardrobe at Jordan, etc.  
  
Lyra: Gosh, Pan. Why'd we have to hide in HERE?  
  
Pan: YOU'RE the one who wanted to come!  
  
Lyra: Shut up.  
  
Lord Asriel: Who's there?  
  
Lyra: Uh.no one. This is your inner conscience speaking. How may I help you?  
  
Asriel: Oh. And, uh, no thanks. I don't need any help at the moment.  
  
Lyra & Pan: snigger  
  
Stelmaria: But I'M your inner conscience!  
  
Asriel: But.but.I'm confused! sits down on the floor and begins to cry  
  
The Master: comes in Assy, dear, wassa matter?  
  
Asriel: I sniffs have TWO inner consciences and I don't know which to believe!  
  
Master: What 2, uh.things are claiming to be your inner conscience?  
  
Asriel: A voiceless body and Stelmaria.  
  
Master: You mean a bodiless voice?  
  
Asriel: Whatever.  
  
Master: Ignore this other bo-, er, voice. Stelmaria is your inner conscience.  
  
Asriel: Ok. gets up  
  
Screenwipe, so to speak. You know what I mean. On to the Scholars talking. Lord Asriel has somehow escaped poisoning. Maybe he decided he wasn't going to drink anymore. Who knows.  
  
Lyra: whining Pa-an, it smells in here!  
  
Pan: Shut up, Lyra!  
  
Lyra: But like, oh my GAWD, I like, canNOT believe that like, Roger actually like, like asked me out! I am like, like SO excited!  
  
Pan: Lyra, shut your god-damned mouth!  
  
Lyra: But like, I was like, thinking, Pan: mutters That's new.  
  
Lyra: of what to like, wear on our first like, official date, and I thought, well, why don't I like, wear that new mini skirt I got? And I'm like, yeah Lyra, you should TOTALLY wear that, an-  
  
Pan: Lyra, I know this already!  
  
Lyra: How?  
  
Pan: You freak I'm YOU! And shut up! bites her  
  
Lyra: OW! Pan! I'm not talking to you!  
  
Pan: You can hardly avoid it, but ok.  
  
Lyra: telepathically I'll THINK to you! (says this in girly way)  
  
Pan: rolls eyes Ok, Lyra.  
  
Lyra: But isn't Roger like, SO like, HOT?  
  
Librarian: Who's talking? It sounds like Lyra and Pantalaimon.  
  
Asriel: proudly That's my fake inner conscience!  
  
Librarian: Ok then.  
  
Master: Are you sure?  
  
Asriel: You don't believe me! starts to cry  
  
He continues to cry, and is lead away, still crying, and the Scholars, who, apparently, AREN'T so scholarly, don't even bother to check the room for the source of the voices.  
  
Hope you, uh, were at least slightly entertained! Anyhow, if you want more, review & tell me what scene I should do next. 


	2. Mrs Coulter's Cocktail Party

I am FINALLY updating this! I'm SO sorry I haven't before, but I've been busy getting larangitis, sores in my mouth, etc.  
  
To my reviewers: THANK YOU SO MUCH I LUV YOU GUYS!!!!!!! And..  
  
Mandygirl: I'm glad you were entertained. And yeah..cocktail party. Thanks. I'll use that now. (  
  
DarkRose: You write in French too? Well, I'd just like to say, bless the French teachers that take no notice of a student sitting (in my case) in the front row writing in English. And yes, HDM parodies RULE! YAY!  
  
Zephdae: I hear ya. And here I am doing more. I LUVED yours, by the way. And your web page. Yes, I was brave enough to look at. I loved the quotes page. Very funny.  
  
Sabriel: Yeah, they aren't. Too bad, too. I nearly cried when I read that part for the first time, but..hey, it's there, you GOTTA play on it. And of COURSE we need more. This is the third one for heaven's sake.  
  
HimaKerei: I don't know when you reviewed it, but.sorry if it's been a while. And VERY glad you like it.  
  
Smeaqol: did I spell that right? Or is it 'g'? I can't tell, you see. Sorry if it's wrong. Anyway, I'm glad you think it's funny. (  
  
A SPECIAL THANKS TO: My French teacher for not noticing that I'm sitting in her class writing weird stuff in English.  
  
NO thanks to: My stupid French partner who is convinced I'm writing a play. To him I say: Screw you. This is coming from one who had to look down at his workbook to see what his birthday was. (I'm DEAD SERIOUS. He did that.)  
  
Disclaimer: Me no own. (  
  
Scene: Mrs. Coulter's Cocktail Party (though it may not be a 'cocktail' party when I get through with it..)  
  
Lyra: comes out in mini-skirt and belly shirt) Hey, Mrs. C, wuzzup?  
  
Mrs. Coulter: in a very formal and tight dress LYRA! You...you can't wear THAT!  
  
Lyra: Why not?  
  
Pantalaimon: Yeah, what she said!  
  
Lyra: Shut up Pan, no one wants to listen to you.  
  
Pan: cries  
  
Golden Monkey Daemon (referred to hereafter as GMD): Aww, Pan, you're a wimp. Just because I'm WAY prettier than you doesn't mean to you have to make a scene! strokes hair proudly  
  
Lyra: Uh, is it just me, or is your daemon starting to sound like Legolas?  
  
Incurelf: Shh! Lyra, this is a HDM parody! No Lord of the Rings! Although I may have to have you guys meet one of these days..  
  
Lyra: Oh fine! So why can't I wear this, Mrs. C? I look so HOT in it?  
  
Mrs. Coulter: No, because I'M the hot one! Everyone is attracted to ME!  
  
Lyra: Then what am I supposed to wear?  
  
Pan: Yeah, what is SHE supposed to wear?  
  
Lyra: PAN..  
  
Pan: Sorry Lyra! But Will will think you look just as hot even if you're NOT wearing that.  
  
Lyra: Will? Will? Who's Will?  
  
Pan: uh..never mind.  
  
Mrs. Coulter and Lyra decide that Mrs. Coulter looks hotter, and so Lyra gets to keep the mini skirt, etc. Well, Mrs. Coulter decided. Lyra just sat in her room, asking the alethiometer over and over again who is hotter, and the alethiometer just keeps wondering what in the world this crazy human chick means by hotter. Then the party gets going.  
  
In the backround we hear shudder N'Sync, because Mrs. Coulter seems to like them (but I have to wonder, does she like the music, or is she getting tired of Lord Boreal?).  
  
Lyra hates N'Sync; she was always more of a Backstreet Boys person anyway, but dances anyway. Then the food is served.  
  
Lyra: Ooh! Cake!  
  
Pan: No cake, Lyra, you're on a diet.  
  
Lyra: Oh my GAWD, you are like, so RIGHT, Pan! That just like, is so like, unfair. She KNEW I was on a diet. That like, SUCKS!  
  
Adele Starminster*: Hey, chica, sup?  
  
Lyra: Oh HI! How's the baby?  
  
Adele: Uh..baby?  
  
Lyra: I don't know, I just felt like saying that.  
  
Adele: Right..could you tell me about Mrs. Coulter? What is she like? In private life?  
  
Lyra: Well, considering I'm still calling her Mrs. Coulter because I don't know what the hell her first name is, nope, can't tell you nothing.  
  
Adele: Right..ok then. How about you?  
  
Lyra: Well, I like, have this like, alethiometer, right? And it WON'T tell me who's hotter, me or Mrs. C, I don't know why! And like, my daemon's name is like, Pantalaimon, and he's like, really annoying, but I have this like, boyfriend, right? His name is Roger and boy is he HOT!  
  
Adele: A BOYfriend? Like, go you, chica!  
  
Lyra: Yeah, I know, we like-  
  
Mrs. Coulter: comes over Excuse me?  
  
Lyra: There's no excuse for yo-I mean..  
  
Mrs. Coulter: Lyra! You..you..hurt my feelings! breaks down crying  
  
Lyra: Yeah I know. It's a gift.  
  
Mrs. Coulter: I'm not kidding! First you're like, totally hotter than me, then you like, go and spill secrets! How COULD you?  
  
Lyra: Well, it wasn't hard. To be hotter than you, well, that came flips hair naturally, and spilling secrets, well, that was like, even MORE natural! giggles  
  
Adele: Right. Well, uh, I have to, uh, go do something...I'll go talk to Lord Boreal or something..yeah...  
  
Mrs. Coulter: WHAT? He's CHEATING on me?  
  
Lord Boreal: Well, considering we're still on first name terms, yeah.  
  
Mrs. Coulter: storms off crying  
  
Lyra: Well, that makes it a lot easier to run away.  
  
Pan: We wanna run away?  
  
Lyra: Yeah, Pan. Didn't you read the book?  
  
Pan: Uh, no.  
  
Lyra: Argh! You are like, so like, STUPID, Pan. We're running away. Bye everyone! waves  
  
Everyone: Bye! waves  
  
Lyra & Pan: leave  
  
*She's the journalist person if you don't remember  
  
Well, that's it. Pathetic and stupid, wasn't it. But that's all right. PLEASE don't burn me or anything like that. If you thought it was amusing at all, please, go ahead and say so. And if you want a specific scene done, say that too. Dat all!  
  
Now.push the button. That's right. Push the button. Yeah. That's it. Good JOB! 


	3. Lyra Speaks With Iofur Raknison

I'm updating, again! Yay! (why am I happy? Don't know)  
  
Anyway, a BIG thanks to all of my reviewers I love you guys, so"  
  
HimaKerei: I do hope the wait wasn't too agonizing. If it was, my apologies. : )  
  
Lady of the Lilacs: Nice name! And I'm glad you feel special. : ) I read that parody, didn't I? Do tell me if I didn't. The title would help to probably. Don't know.  
  
Amber: You write in French too! Go us! Bless stupid French teachers! Lol. Don't worry. I plan to keep writing more and more and more and you get the idea. : )  
  
Lonestar236: Thanks a LOT for the suggestions. I'll use them! In fact, I'm using the one in this chapter..sorta. Only I'm doing a different bear, but I'll do him later.don't worry. evil glint in eye  
  
Sabriel: NOT pathetic/stupid? Yay! Thanks. I bet there's worse than Mrs. Coulter though. Like.uh..I don't know who from HDM but..in LOTR Aragorn is shudder 88. THAT'S ancient. Lol : )  
  
Normal Human Being Refusing to Sign In Cos She's Lazy: No, there's NOT enough HDM parodies. And yes, I am using that idea because both you and Lonestar236 mentioned the bears. : ) I'm always open to suggestions!  
  
Adelaide/Tans: Lyra and Will meeting for the first time...oooh, the things I could do with that..the things I WILL do with that...thanks!  
  
Now, on with..Lyra and Iofur, stupid ugly annoying wants to be a human for some reason king of the bears.  
  
Setting: Iofur's throne room containing only him and Lyra.  
  
After all the bears leave Iofur asks, "Well?"  
  
Lyra walks up to him, licks her lips seductively, and begins to speak so. "Oh, Iofur. I have waited so long to see you! But never did I imagine that you could look SO..sexy."  
  
Iofur shifts uncomfortably, he likes this, but is having flashbacks of 'the lady Coulter'. "You said something about dæmons. Tell me!"  
  
Lyra squeezes Pan in her pocket, hard. So hard, in fact, that it hurts her, and she begins to choke.  
  
Iofur wonders what the hell this human is doing, and since he can figure out no other way to find out, asks her, "Human! What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Lyra stops choking, although it took her 5 minutes to figure out that she was choking because of squeezing Pan, and looks up, surprised. "I didn't know bears swore"  
  
Iofur is getting annoyed. He had always hated blonds, but this one was really annoying. Worse than that blond that traveled around with Xena.  
  
Lyra realizes that she may have made a mistake. "It's just that, well, we've never sworn before, so I thought that no bears do"  
  
This confuses Iofur. He wonders if she has a split personality. "We?"  
  
Lyra wonders how such an idiot got to be king of the bears. She moves forward as if to kiss his paw, then holds back. "I am a dæmon, Queen Iofur. Iorek Byrnison's dæmon. Mrs. Coulter allowed one bear to have a dæmon. And- "  
  
Iofur wonders how such an idiot contrived to come into HIS presence. And also why she said Queen Iofur. Did the bears operate on him and not tell him? And didn't Mrs. Coulter like him anymore? "I am KING Iofur, you retard. And.and..doesn't Mrs. Coulter sniffs like me sniffs anymore?"  
  
"No. Duh. Dude, if she liked you, would she have given IOREK a dæmon? No. She woulda given YOU a dæmon. Stupid." Lyra told him. She wondered if all bears were this stupid.  
  
Iofur's feelings are hurt, so he says, "Don't call me stupid! It's not nice!" He begins to cry. Some bears come in and lead Lyra to her cell with the insane professer. Lyra is beginning to think that she could learn a few things from him; it's insane people who have all the fun after all.  
  
When Iorek Byrnison approaches Svalbard, the bears, apparently, ARE all as stupid as Iofur, and don't pay attention. He breaks in, and then, because bears ARE so stupid, wonders what to do. Should he get a manicure or a hair wash first? After a couple of hours he decides on the manicure; Iofur's nails looked pretty nifty.  
  
Dat all. I bet my last chapters were better, but whatever. And do me a BIG favor and when you review (cause you gotta review or you'll make me sad) tell me if you like this format or script format better, cause this was an experiment. See ya!  
  
There's the button. Push it. Write something to me. There's the button. Push it. Write something to me. There's the button. Push it. Write something to me. There's the button. Push it. Write something to me. There's the button. Push it. Write something to me. There's the button. Push it. Write something to me. There's the button. Push it. Write something to me. Ok I'm done now. But PLEASE do! : ) 


	4. Lyra and Will Meet For the First Time

Sorry 'bout the long wait but I've been very busy. Am not going to say stuff to reviewers this time, have limited computer time. Anyway, am doing Lyra and Will's first meeting.  
  
Will senses something behind the last door. He knows, somehow, that the room is not empty. Thinking that maybe they're just shy but will want to make friends, he opens the door. "HOLY $#!^!"  
  
Lyra jumps up, shrieking. "Comment defi vous! Vous avez env ahi mon intimite! Vous etes si stupid! Je vous deteste! Mais l'homme sont vous attirant!" (How dare you! You invaded my privacy! You are so stupid! I hate you! But man are you sexy!)  
  
Will wonders why she is speaking French. After all, isn't this a story about English people? "Hey, why are you speaking French?" he asks her.  
  
Lyra looks puzzled, then says, "¿Francés? ¡No hablaba francés! ¡Hablo inglés! ¡Usted es el quién está hablando en idiomas extrañas!" (French? I was not speaking French! You are the one who's speaking in weird languages!)  
  
Now Will is REALLY confused, so says something completely off the subject to see if it will startle her into speaking English. He also wonders what the **** is wrong with Philip Pullman. "Umm.how do you have a polar bear in this climate? This is a temperate climate, maybe almost tropical, and that's an arctic animal."  
  
Lyra, in her turn, wonders why he would ask that when it's SO obvious that this is NOT a temper-oh. So instead she wonders where his dæmon is. "Dieses ist ein arktisches Klima - OH-. Gut wo ist Ihr dæmon? Weil Sie noch scheinen, lebendig zu sein, verflucht es. Sie verwirrten herauf die Geschichte! Ich soll kommen, berstend aus der Tür und Sie angreifen, und dann verwirklichen wir, was wir Freunde sind und bilden! Weil Barney sagt, sollten wir Freunde bilden. Sind Sie mein Freund?" (This IS an arctic climate -oh. Well, where's your dæmon? Because you still seem to be alive, damn it. You messed up the story! I'm supposed to come bursting out the door and attack you, and then we realize what we are and make friends! Because Barney says we should make friends. Will you be my friend?)  
  
Will, getting annoyed with all the language stuff, decides that maybe this is a fic. The author confirms this.  
  
A: Yep, this is a fic. Alright, Lyra will speak English now. But that was FUN!  
  
Will: I don't care. Stop!  
  
A:   
  
Now that everything is straightened out, Will says to Lyra, " What's your name, Lyra? What do you want to do now? Ohh, I know. We'll go down to the kitchen and I'll show you a refridgerator and omelettes and baked beans and you can be astounded. How does that sound?  
  
Lyra thinks this would be, like, totally, like, cool, and says so. "Oh, Will. That would be so, totally, like, cool! My name is..is.." she whispers to Pan. "What's my name?"  
  
Pan wonders what is wrong with Lyra and says, "Duh. Antonia." Lyra thinks Pan is a genius and says "My name is Antonia."  
  
Will thinks about this. She sure doesn't look like an Antonia to him. "Ok. But..can I call you Lyra?"  
  
Lyra is confused. "Why would you do that?"  
  
Will thinks. "Well.I think that's actually your name."  
  
Lyra thinks about this. She likes the name, so says "You're right! That IS my name! Gosh, Will. You're so smart!"  
  
Will is pleased. He has a friend! Yay! Ooh, he's so excited. They can play Barbies and watch Barney together! "Oh Will," Lyra says. "That would be wonderful!"  
  
And, without even wondering how Lyra managed to read his thoughts, Will walks down the stairs, followed by Lyra, who keeps tripping for some.../strange/ reason.  
  
I bet that was bad but who cares. I don't. I blame it on the muses. If you flame me, they'll take the flames and toast marshmallows.  
  
Incurelf. 


	5. Lyra Silvertongue and Lee Scoresby

I'm back!!! Will reply to reviewers this time, I love you all!  
  
Lady of the Lilacs: Yes, I did read that parody, it's very good. People have no taste these days. And no offense taken....it's just a compliment to my other things, rather than an insult to this.  
  
Zephdae: Of COURSE you're completely sane. No one would ever have cause think otherwise. And yes, I know. He's going to be in Troy! Ooh I'm so excited!   
  
Luckedancer: Will I write more? DUH.  
  
The Inkblot Faery: I think I did send you my name.didn't I? Who knows.  
  
Iris: Lee obsessed with tv.I like it. Coming up next.  
  
Kyro (and Vivien): Why thank you? Yes, Lyra does sound like a ditz.I love it.  
  
Redbird: Hmm. Funny that you should say I'm bad at this, as most of my reviews have been good ones. And also....I'm not sure if you understand the meaning of parody. The point of a parody is that it pokes fun at everything and everyone. It's not SUPPOSED to be realistic. And sorry, but I'm going to keep going. Hate to break your heart and all that, but.  
  
Sabriel: I dunno why they all crack you up. Don't worry, I'm gonna keep writing.screw Redbird.  
  
Here it is..Lee Scoresby and Lyra talking on the way to Bolvanger.  
  
Lyra being a ditzy child and a curious child, she decided to go pester the aeronaut with the funny accent. "Hey, like, what's your like, name?"  
  
Lee is thinking "Oh no! Not her! Please! No! O God what am I going to do? No, wait! I'm against the Church! Aaaah! Not Lyra! Noooooo!!!!!!" but says, "My name is Lee Scoresby."  
  
Lyra feels sorry for this man.what an odd name. And, of course, says so. "That's kind of a funny name, isn't it."  
  
Lee chooses to ignore this, he's got bigger things to make a fuss over. Mainly; What was he going to do about TV? The main reason he became an aeronaut was so he could get cable during work. But here in the arctic.no cable! How was he going to watch MTV and the Disney channel??? "Say, little girl, do you happen to have a TV with a cable connection with you?"  
  
Lyra doesn't care about this, she wants to know how he stays so thin. "Umm.I don't know what a TV is. How do you stay so lean and thin and sexy- umm.I mean...yeah. How?"  
  
Lee is impressed. She thinks he's sexy! "I, uh.it's a secret. Yeah. And I CANNOT BELIEVE you don't know what TV is!!! It's the greatest invention that never hit this world! Take MTV for example. Great music, hot chicks.what could be better? And the Disney channel. It's SO SWEET! It always ends happily and I LOVE it!!!"  
  
Lyra is aghast. A GROWN MAN loves MTV?? Wow! "OH my God I LOVE MTV! Who do you like best? I like Eminem myself."  
  
Lee is confused.didn't she say she didn't know what TV was? Oh well. They were on his favorite subject now. "Eminem? No. I LOVE Britney Spears. She is SO HOT!"  
  
Lyra all of a sudden realizes that she hasn't watched real TV since Jordan College. All Mrs. Coulter watched was soap operas, and all the Gyptians had was TGC, The Gyptian Channel, which featured programs like: "Thwart Landsmen: How to smuggle goods and people", "Prophecy Time: Know What's in Your Future", "Changing and Settling: How to Choose the Dæmon shape that's right for you", and more. "Mr. Scoresby, do you have a TV with you?"  
  
Lee suddenly remembers that he does..with a mini satellite too! "Yes, I do! And I think we're just in time for 'Witch World: Featuring the Hottest Pop- stars in the world; the witches!'"  
  
"YES!" Lyra is ecstatic. She miraculously pops popcorn and they settle down to watch, as they move closer and closer to Bolvanger.  
  
Hope that wasn't too bad.not very long, but oh well. School's almost over so I had some time. Love to all!  
  
Incurelf and the muses. 


End file.
